You have put so much into your marriage over the years, it deserves a fair chance before you call it quits forever___Sanya Bari
Divorce and break-up affects every aspect of a family's life. It hits the family emotionally, financially, career-wise, logistically, socially, and spiritually. It is not to be taken lightly.
Divorce and break-up rank as one of the most difficult decisions you will have make in your life because there is a lot at stake.
It is a terrible idea to make this important decision with high egos, pride, anger, vindictiveness, frustration, or what your mom and sister think, etc.
Discernment Counseling helps couples at probably the most emotionally stressful time of their life in making the correct decision for themselves and their families.
All of my Discernment Counseling clients are very intelligent, professional, well-educated, reasonable, and successful people. But when it comes to matters of the heart, and dealing with the unique brand of high stress that comes with difficulty in a close relationship, all reason and intelligence goes out the door.
Doing couples counseling in it’s traditional format at such an advanced stage of conflict can sometimes create more confusion and conflict. It can even accelerates the demise of the relationship.
Discernment Counseling is for you if you are someone who:
- have been not been happy in your relationship for years, but are afraid of breaking-up
- have been considering a break-up or divorce on and off for years, but you don't know if you are really ready for it
- realize that you hate who you are around your partner
- frustrated that you have not been able to change your unhappy situation year after year
- have given many empty break-up/divorce threats, but you aren’t sure if you really mean it
- have a lot to lose with a break-up or divorce, but you also realize that you have a lot to lose if you stay as well
Discernment Counseling leads to one of 3 options or paths:
- Path 1: Leave things as they are, which most people don't agree to are usually at some kind of an end when they finally call me.
- Path 2: Separation, divorce, or break-up.
- Path 3: Mutually agree to 6 months of therapy without divorce on the table as an all out effort on both sides to save the relationship using the information learned during Discernment Counseling.
Anyone who is considering divorce and break-up has probably already exhausted all avenues to improve their relationship. They and are probably very skeptical that their partner or their relationship can ever change for the better.
So, when nothing has ever worked thus far, why do I think that the 6 months of counseling will be some panacea that will solve it all?
The answer is that discernment counseling takes you through a process that results in each partner literarily developing a written itemized list of 1) their own personal contribution to the state their relationship is in right now 2) an understanding of the dynamic of the relationship. Before deciding whether to agree to 6 months of therapy.
So, when it comes time to choose between the 3 paths, you are not agreeing to an abstract idea of ‘let’s try to make it work’. You have a clear understanding of what you need to do and what you can expect your partner to do in order to bring about positive change.
Each partner knows what they are getting into. There is an actual written agreement.
Winners All Around:
- It has the potential to save a relationship when nothing else works.
- It provides closure and clarity to each partner even if the couple decides not to stay together.
- Both people have the satisfaction of saying they tried everything before calling it quits.
- Co-parenting and communicating amicably becomes better.
- The divorce process becomes more clear when you have already negotiated the negative emotions and had a chance to consider everything to make an informed decision. As a result of Discernment Counseling people save thousands of dollars in attorney fees and a lot of time and emotions by not being petty and vindictive.
- This protocol becomes the moment of truth. While Discernment Counseling makes it easy for a partner who is trying to find clear solutions to saving the relationship, it also makes it difficult for a partner who was never truly serious about making amends to keep on faking.
There is a maximum number of five sessions.
First session is usually two hours. The subsequent sessions are 1.5 or 2 hours.
The goal of these limited sessions is not to solve your marital problems but to see if they are solvable.
on the brink of divorce
"I do not assume that all marriages should be saved. I am objective enough to understand the reasons for divorce, but trained enough to help the marriage survive if that's what both people decide to do" ---Sanya Bari
"It is true that things will never be the same, but if healing is done right, the intimacy, love, understanding, and fulfillment in the marriage can be greater than they ever were before."
The goal is for you to gain clarity and confidence about a direction, based on a deeper understanding of your relationship and its possibilities for the future.
You will each be treated with compassion and respect no matter how you are feeling about your marriage at the moment.
Discernment Counseling is not done If:
One partner has already made a final decision to divorce or break-up
One spouse is coercing the other to participate
Danger of domestic violence